Talk to yourself much?

When I walk here near my rural home, I often have conversations with people who are not there. Mostly, I rehearse what I would say if asked to explain why I support a certain politician or hold particular idea. Of course, as you might expect, the conversation is always one-sided and I always come away impressing my hearer with my coherent argument and of course, changing them to my point of view. Talking to yourself is very common. It is not a sign of mental illness, but more a sign of loneliness, or in my case, an avoidance of controversy.

I hate it when people are angry at me. I attribute this weakness to being the first grandchild and being raised for those formative years in the home of my grandparents. My mother and her two sisters ended up coming back to their parents’ home with their children when their husbands were deployed to fight in WWII. Yes, I am that old. I had to be perfect. I was the center of attention and had to always behave. To break the rules or annoy someone was not allowed. It is a deeply ingrained characteristic.

I have been thinking about one of my habits. I was reminded of it when I was digging around in the drawers of my dresser looking for nail clippers. They were in a drawer filled with very old tubes of lipstick, eye shadow, and other containers of make-up. I don’t wear it anymore. Occasionally, I’ll put on some lipstick when I am going to be on a Zoom call and don’t want to look like a ghost, but even that is rare these days.

My main excuse for stopping makeup has two sources. The first is the time (and money) it takes to produce a professional look, and the second is age. As I type this, I can see my thin hands, age spots, sagging skin, wrinkles, my mother’s hands. I am reminded of a late-night talk show.

The comedian Joan Rivers was the guest of David Letterman. He had prefaced her coming on with comments about her recent use of Botox shots to eliminate the wrinkles on her face. The conversation was lively and frequently he was almost rude to her. She defended wanting to look young, especially on television. I was struck by the contrast. When she discussed her face, she raised her hands to her cheeks. Her hands were the hands of a woman in her 80s, just like mine. Her hands were wrinkled like her neck and spotted. She wore long sleeves, but I suspect her arms looked a bit like mine, wings and spots and wrinkles.

If your face looks one way and your neck and hands look completely different, who are you kidding?

Yourself.